The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

From The Depths Of The Net: Instructions
17:39 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 653


Note: Translations can be problematic but sometimes it’s just down to stupidity. Anyway, here’s the list:



On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".



On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.



On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."



On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."



On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down".



On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after

heating".



On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".



On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".



On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness"



On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".



On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".



On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".



On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."



On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not

enable you to fly".



Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."



How a Japanese technical manual referred to a "pointer to void." - "Fingering the nothingness that underlies everything."



On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: keep out of children."

From The Depths Of The Net: Blessed
17:38 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 654

Blessed are the Madmen, for they hold the keys to secret knowledge.



Blessed are the Phobic, always wary of that which would do them harm.



Blessed are the Obsessed, for their courses are clear.



Blessed are the Addicts, may they quench the thirst that never ebbs.



Blessed are the Murderous, for they have found beauty in the grotesque.



Blessed are the Fire-lovers, for their hearts are always warm.



Blessed are the Artists, for in their hands the impossible is made real.



Blessed are the Musicians, for in their ears they hear the music of the soul.



Blessed are the Sleepless, as they bask in wakeful dreaming.



Blessed are the Paranoid, ever-watchful for our enemies.



Blessed are the Visionaries, for their eyes see what might be.



Blessed are the Pain-lovers, for in their suffering, we grow stronger.



Blessed is the Madgod, who tricks us when we are foolish, punishes us when we are wrong, tortures us when we are unmindful, and loves us in our imperfection.

From The Depths Of The Net: 21 Reasons To Date A Horse Rider
17:37 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 655


Note: This one seemed appropriate since I am a horse rider.



1) We have 4 speeds and many positions

2) We wear tight pants and tall boots

3) We love getting dirty

4) We know how to ride our mounts

5) We perform well with animals

6) We like to be in control

7) We'll ride it for hours

8) We know how to handle a big girth

9) We get off easy

10) We're always on top

11) We like it rough

12) We have our legs spread all day long

13) We love using whips

14) Straddling is our natural position

15) We don't mind being bucked around

16) Event riders do it for three days

17) We can ride standing or sitting

18) We wear leather chaps everyday

19) We think the fast ones are the most fun

20) We're used to having hands between our legs

21) If we fall off we get back on and ride harder



P.S. Have you seen the posting/rising trot?

From The Depths Of The Net: 20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
17:36 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 656

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)



2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head and act confused.



3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.



4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise party.



5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.



6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.



7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.



8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"



9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.



10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.



11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.



12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.



13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.



14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.



15. Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.



16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.



17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.



18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.



19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.



20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

From The Depths Of The Net: 45 Random Facts
17:35 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 657

1. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.



2. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.



3. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.



4. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.



5. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.



6. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.



7. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.



8. A snail can sleep for three years.



9. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.



10. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.



11. Almonds are a member of the peach family.



12. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.



13. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.



14. Butterflies taste with their feet.



15. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.



16. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".



17. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.



18. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.



19. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.



20. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.



21. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.



22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.



23. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.



24. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.



25. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.



26. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.



27. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.



28. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; "lollipop" with your right.



29. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.



30. The Bible doesn't say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.



31. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.



32. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.



33. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.



34. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.



35. The words 'racecar', 'kayak', 'level', and 'radar' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).



36. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.



37. There are more chickens than people in the world.



38. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.



39. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious".



40. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flinstones Chewables Vitamins.



41. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.



42. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.



43. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.



44. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.



45. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

From The Depths Of The Net: 75 Fun Ways To Order A Pizza
17:34 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 658

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.



2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.



3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."



4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.



5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."



6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.



7. When they ask for your phone number, give them theirs and see if they notice.



8. Answer their questions with questions.



9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.



10. Sing the order to the tune of your favourite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.



11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.



12. Stutter on the letter "p."



13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.



14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."



15. Change your accent every three seconds.



16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.



17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.



18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.



19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.



20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.



21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.



22. Imitate the order taker's voice.



23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.



24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.



25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"



26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.



27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."



28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.



29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.



30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.



31. Ask to see a menu.



32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."



33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.



34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.



35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.



36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.



37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"



38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.



39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.



40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."



41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.



42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."



43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.



44. Try to talk while drinking something.



45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"



46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.



47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.



48. Be vague in your order.



49. Use CB lingo where applicable.



50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.



51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cut off.



52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."



53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.



54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.



55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.



56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.



57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.



58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.



59. Put them on hold.



60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.



61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."



62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.



63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"



64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."



65. Haggle.



66. Order a one-inch pizza.



67. Order term life insurance.



68. When they say "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"



69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.



70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.



71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."



72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.



73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.



74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.



75. Order a steamed pizza.

From The Depths Of The Net: 101 Things Not To Say During Sex
17:33 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 659

1. But everybody looks funny naked!



2. You woke me up for that?



3. Did I mention the video camera?



4. Do you smell something burning?



5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...



6. Try breathing through your nose.



7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!



8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?



9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?



10. But whipped cream makes me break out.



11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today



12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!



13. Can you please pass me the remote control?



14. Do you accept Visa?



15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ



16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.



17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!



18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.



19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?



20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...



21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!



22. Do you get any premium movie channels?



23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!



24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!



25. Got any penicillin?



26. But I just brushed my teeth...



27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!



28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!



29. I want a baby!



30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!



31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?



32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...



33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?



34. I think you have it on backwards.



35. When is this supposed to feel good?



36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!



37. You're good enough to do this for a living!



38. Is that blood on the headboard?



39. Did I remember to take my pill?



40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?



41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...



42. That leak better be from the waterbed!



43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!



44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..



45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?



46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.



47. No, really... I do this part better myself!



48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!



49. This would be more fun with a few more people.



50. You're almost as good as my ex!



51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?



52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?



53. You look younger than you feel.



54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.



55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!



56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.



57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...



58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?



59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.



60. What tampon?



61. Have you ever considered liposuction?



62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!



63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?



64. I have a confession...



65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!



66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?



67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?



68. Is that a hanging sculpture?



69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?



70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?



71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!



72. Did you come yet, dear?



73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasising about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...



74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!



75. Does this count as a date?



76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!



77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.



78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?



79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)



80. When would you like to meet my parents?



81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?



82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?



83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.



84. Don't mind me. I always file my nails in bed.



85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?



86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?



87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.



88. Sorry but I don't do toes!



89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!



90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!



91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...



92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".



93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!



94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!



95. Is this a sin too?



96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!



97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?



98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...



99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...



100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?



101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? I'm going to talk about Dune now.

From The Depths Of The Net: 666
17:32 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 660

666 - The number of the beast

667 - neighbour of the beast

660 - Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666666 - Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator

666 * (-1)^(1/2) - Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 - Binary of the Beast

6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast

1-666 - Area code of the Beast

0666 - English area code of the Beast

00666 - Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666: Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$656.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast

$646.66 - Next week's Wal-Mart price of the Beast

Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast

Route 666 - Way of the Beast

666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k - Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank

$666 - minimum deposit at FBHNB

666% - Interest rate charged by Tony the Beast, local loan shark.

666iv - Local statute number regarding Beast parking.

"If 666 Was 999" - recently discovered Jimi Hendrixixix outtake.

DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 - CPU of the Beast

(sic) (sic) (sic) - three Beastly errors in spelling or grammar in the original.

666i - BMW of the Beast

From The Depths Of The Net: A Riddle
17:32 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 661

Three men decided to split the cost of a hotel room. The hotel manager gave them a price of $30.



The men split the bill evenly, each paying $10, and went to their room. However, the hotel manager realized that it was a Wednesday night, which meant the hotel had a special: rooms were only $25. He had overcharged them $5!



He called the bellboy, gave him five one-dollar bills and told him to return it to the men.



When the bellboy explained the situation to the men, they were so pleased at the honesty of the establishment that they promptly tipped the bellboy $2 of the $5 he had returned and each kept $1 for himself.



So each of the three men ended up paying $9 (their original $10, minus $1 back) totalling $27, plus $2 for the bellboy makes $29.



Where did the extra dollar go?

From The Depths Of The Net: God And Satan
17:31 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 662

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to

find a lawyer?"

From The Depths Of The Net: Boss, Can I Take The Day Off?
17:30 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 663

From The Depths Of The Net: Boss, Can I Take The Day Off?

Boss, Can I take the day off?

Let's take a look at what you are asking for....

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be Damned if you're going to take that day off!!!

From The Depths Of The Net: The Truth About Work
17:29 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 664

If you work and do your best you'll get the sack like all the rest,

But if you laze and bugger about you'll live to see the job right out.

The work is hard, the pay is small, so take your time and sod'em all,

Cause when your dead you'll be forgot, so don't try and do the bloody lot,

Or on your tomb-stone neatly lacquered, these three words 'Just Bleeding Knackered.'

From The Depths Of The Net: The English Vampire
17:27 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 665

3 vampires walk into a pub.

The first one slams his fist down on the bar and says to the bartender "I want a mug of blood, now!"

The bartender shakily gets the vampire the mug of blood.

The second vampire walks up slams his fist down on the bar and says to the bartender "I want a mug of blood"

Again the bartender shakily gets the vampire the mug of blood.

The third vampire walks up and politely asks for a mug of hot water.

The bewildered bartender gets the vampire the water.

As the vampire starts to walk away the bartender say to the vampire "I noticed that both your friends ordered blood and you only ordered water, why's that?"

To which the Vampire replies, "Well I was walking down an alley and I found a used tampon, so I thought I would have a cup of tea"

From The Depths Of The Net: A Zen Story
17:26 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 666

In Dreamland



"Our schoolmaster used to take a nap every afternoon," related a disciple of Soyen Shaku. "We children asked him why he did it and he told us: 'I go to dreamland to meet the old sages just as Confucius did.' When Confucius slept, he would dream of ancient sages and later tell his followers about them.



"It was extremely hot one day so some of us took a nap. Our schoolmaster scolded us. 'We went to dreamland to meet the ancient sages the same as Confucius did,' we explained. 'What was the message from those sages?' our schoolmaster demanded. One of us replied: 'We went to dreamland and met the sages and asked them if our schoolmaster came there every afternoon, but they said they had never seen any such fellow.'"

From The Depths Of The Net: Introduction/Disclaimer
00:49 Feb 04 2008
Times Read: 671

I am placing these things for your amusement in my "Stories" section so you can find both these and my regular madness with ease.



I cannot verify the origins or the accuracy of the things I shall be posting for your amusement if they have not come from inside my head. To ensure that you can differentiate between my insanity and that of other people, the work that I’ve lifted from the net will have “From The Depths Of The Net” as the beginning of the title, a prefix to the real title if you will. If you see anything here that’s your work I will gladly give you credit if you let me know. I may throw the odd piece from inside my head in as well if it’s appropriate. I may or may not also include my opinion on various pieces by writing “Note:” in bold, as demonstrated, followed by my thoughts, also in bold. Now, I’m sure you wish I’d stop rambling and get to the first contribution so I shall.



Thus begins your descent into madness…





A Few Notes Before We Begin

This is a list compiled from several I found on the internet. Don’t ask me where; they’ve been sitting in notepad documents for years. For all I know the sites no longer exist.



I am not posting this to mock Goths. That would be a bit pointless since I’m considered one even though I don’t tend to label myself much. I just thought it would be amusing to share.



Okay, I admit I might be posting it to mock a few people. You’ve seen them I’m sure; the posers, wannabes, spooky kids, NotGoths, etc. Whatever you call them, you’ll know the ones I mean. They follow trends, act like they personally discovered a band that’s been on the scene for fifteen years, call themselves fans when they can just about name two songs, laugh at casual/corporate Goths for not going to board meetings in fishnets and five inch heels. I could go on but this isn’t meant to be a rant.



My friend Sophie (Hey glitter loving cat girl) and I also use this list as a basis for a game on messenger when we get bored. Hmmm, haven’t done that in a while. Must start it next time I’m talking to her. Anyway, I’ll stop boring you and get on with it.

The "I’m so Goth" list



A bunch of Goths were standing outside a club, talking. . . .



I'm so Goth all I do is sit around and talk about how Goth I am.



I'm so Goth every sentence I say has the word "Goth" in it.



I'm so Goth I . . . wear . . . my . . . sunnnnnglasses at night (sung with a Corey Hart pout).



I'm so Goth I always complain because my blacks don't match.



I'm so Goth I always use the word "Goth" instead of "got."



I'm so Goth I ate a Happy Meal . . . because I like to live dangerous.



I'm so Goth I became a fisherman, just so I could use fishnets.



I'm so Goth I call a smile a "concave frown."



I'm so Goth I carry black food dye around in case I have to eat anything that's not black.



I'm so Goth I died and didn't notice.



I'm so Goth I don't eat gummy bears; I eat "glummy bears."



I'm so Goth I don't laugh...I cackle.



I'm so Goth I don't paint my nails black--I bash them with a hammer.



I'm so Goth I don't take my medications, so I can be more Goth.



I'm so Goth I don't use fabric softener, because I like pain.



I'm so Goth I dot my i's with frowny faces.



I'm so Goth I dyed my belly button black.



I'm so Goth I dyed my shadow black.



I'm so Goth I eat Unlucky Charms.



I'm so Goth I got a 12-pack of absinthe.



I'm so Goth I have a fishnet umbrella



I'm so Goth I have actually seriously uttered the phrase, "the darkest dark of the dark darkness."



I'm so Goth I have carpal tunnel syndrome from constantly putting the back of my hand to my forehead.



I'm so Goth I have crushed velvet lawn chairs.



I'm so Goth I have rigor mortis whenever I'm with my girlfriend.



I'm so Goth I have to wear sunglasses and sunscreen to look on the bright side.



I'm so Goth I invaded Rome.



I'm so Goth I keep getting hit on by necrophiliacs!



I'm so Goth I killed myself . . . twice.



I'm so Goth I know how to spell Siouxsie & The Banshees correctly.



I'm so Goth I know what PVC stands for.



I'm so Goth I listen to The Sisters of Mercy and Bauhaus simultaneously at midnight in a graveyard sitting in a pentagram surrounded by candles . . . and oh, there's a full moon . . . and then I die. And then I come back to life. And then I die again . . . tragically.



I'm so Goth I look like Michael Jackson.



I'm so Goth I make albinos look tanned.



I'm so Goth I make Happy Meals cry.



I'm so Goth I make people cry when they look at me.



I'm so Goth I make rainbows frown.



I'm so Goth I make Richard Simmons sad.



I'm so Goth I offered to sell my soul to the devil and he wouldn't take it!



I'm so Goth I only eat things that are burnt, because they're black.



I'm so Goth I pierced both my nipples--does that shock you?--then I went to the genetic engineering lab and had my genetic structure altered to grow another nipple, then I had THAT one pierced.



I'm so Goth I practice my blank stare in the mirror.



I'm so Goth I punched a care bear.



I'm so Goth I rooted for Gargamel.



I'm so Goth I say things like "eternally yours in darkness" and "love and darkness" and "may the eternal darkness of the abyss enrapture and enshroud you in its infernal sickly sweet embrace."



I'm so Goth I scare myself.



I'm so Goth I set off airport metal detectors from ten feet away with all my jewellery.



I'm so Goth I shower with bleach instead of soap.



I'm so Goth I slather on SPF 45 before I open the refrigerator.



I'm so Goth I sleep UNDER my bed.



I'm so Goth I sleep with my hands crossed on my chest.



I'm so Goth I smoke cloves in the shower.



I'm so Goth I spend every waking moment, every breath, in contemplation of Goth. The totality of my being is at one with the essence of Goth.



I'm so Goth I spend hours deciding what shade of black to wear.



I'm so Goth I steal your Happy Meal.



I'm so Goth I think electrical tape is a fashion accessory.



I'm so Goth I think Jesus might have been a vampire.



I'm so Goth I think saying "oh my Goth" is cute.



I'm so Goth I tried to be a hippie once and hugged a tree--and it died.



I'm so Goth I tried to use Cheer . . . it cried.



I'm so Goth I use black cotton balls.



I'm so Goth I use black cotton balls.



I'm so Goth I want to die die die my hair black.



I'm so Goth I was adopted by the Addams family.



I'm so Goth I wear PVC pyjamas.



I'm so Goth I wear sunglasses when I open the refrigerator.



I'm so Goth I wore corsets in preschool.



I'm so Goth I write everything on black paper with a black pen in the dark and can never read what the hell I've written!



I'm so Goth I'm a flying buttress.



I'm so Goth I'm a mime.



I'm so Goth I'm catholic.



I'm so Goth I'm dead.



I'm so Goth I'm more Goth than anyone else.



I'm so Goth I'm on the second stage of aloof . . . I'm "bloof."



I'm so Goth I'm shocked by heterosexuality.



I'm so Goth I'm the only person who understands what Goth REALLY is, and I'm not telling you!



I'm so Goth I'm the only REAL Goth.



I'm so Goth it takes me an hour and a half to get dressed.



I'm so Goth it takes me longer to get Undressed.



I'm so Goth I've been banned.



I'm so Goth little kids are mesmerized by my appearance.



I'm so Goth little old ladies in walkers cross the street to insult me.



I'm so Goth my black is blacker than your black. I call it "black black."



I'm so Goth my car wears a fishnet bra.



I'm so Goth my clothes are made of dark matter.



I'm so Goth my diapers were PVC.



I'm so Goth my dog barks, "Bauhaus Bauhaus."



I'm so Goth my eye shadow has eye shadow



I'm so Goth my pupils are black.



I'm so Goth my skin would catch on fire if it were ever exposed to sunlight.



I'm so Goth my wrists slash themselves.



I'm so Goth nobody understands me, especially when I say, "the boom boom like shockalocka!!! flibbaflobba!!!"



I'm so Goth nuns and priests resent me because I look cooler in black than them.



I'm so Goth one of my pick-up lines is: "I'd love to see what your insides look like."



I'm so Goth parents leg their kids when they see them mesmerized by my appearance.



I'm so Goth people keep asking me if I feel okay.



I'm so Goth people touch me and they BECOME Goth. They say, "Oh no, now I'm Goth!"



I'm so Goth people touch me and they BECOME Goth. They say, "Oh no, now I'm Goth!"



I'm so Goth tan lines are a sin.



I'm so Goth that a new shade of white had to be created to describe my skin colour.



I'm so Goth that bats hang little plastic me's from their ceiling.



I'm so Goth that colours fade away when I am nearby.



I'm so Goth that I have platform feet.



I'm so Goth that I shit bats.



I'm so Goth that if I go out in the sunlight with bare skin showing, people have to put on shades because of the reflection off my pale skin.



I'm so Goth that in kindergarten I sang "woe, woe, woe your boat..."



I'm so Goth that lightning strikes whenever I count things. MUH-HA-HA-HA!



I'm so Goth that when I moved into Mr. Roger's neighbourhood, he moved away!



I'm so Goth that when I was a kid I used to sit in a trashcan and pretend I was Oscar the Grouch.



I'm so Goth that when I was a toddler, I didn't cry over spilled milk, I MOURNED it.



I'm so Goth that whenever I walk into a room, you hear "Toccata and fugue in D minor."



I'm so Goth the dark is scared of ME.



I'm so Goth the people at the suicide hotline have asked me to stop calling.



I'm so Goth the various and sundry layers of my Gothness are profoundly horrified of each other.



I'm so Goth when I go to sleep I wake up with a toe tag.



I'm so Goth, as soon as I was born I put eyeliner on. And I put on too much.



I'm so Goth, crucifixes shudder when I walk by.



I'm so Goth, even my piercing's piercings have piercings.



I'm so Goth, I don't buy black clothes; I put them on and they TURN black.



I'm so Goth, I don't say "black," I say "blahhwwwkkk."



I'm so Goth, I'm not only "Goth," but also "Gothe" "goff" "gawth" "gauwth" "Gothic" "Gothik" "Gothique" and "gawfickk" and soon I hope to be "gauewthickueu."



I'm so Goth, in high school, all my papers were titled, "DEATH."



I'm so Goth, in preschool, all my drawings were titled, "DEATH."



I'm so Goth, in preschool, the only crayon I used was black.



I'm so Goth, my car goes "ankh, ankh!"



I'm so Goth, Robert Smith asked ME for my autograph.



I'm so Goth, when I go outside, the sun sets.



I'm so Goth, when I smile people ask me what's wrong.



I'm so Goth, when I smile people ask me, "What are you plotting?"



I'm so Goth, when I stop pouting, people ask, "What are YOU so happy about?"



I'm so Goth, when I was born the doctor slapped me and I didn't cry.



I'm so Goth, when I was born, I asked for a light for my clove.



I'm so Goth, when I was born, the doctor asked me, "What's with the shades?"



I'm so Goth, when I was little, I thought funeral processions were parades.



I'm so Goth, when our teacher told us to write the declaration of independence, I wrote the declaration of sindependence.



I'm so Goth, whenever I knock on somebody's door they give me candy.



I'm so Goth, whenever I walk into a room, all the lights go out.



I'm so Goth... oh forget it, nobody cares.



I'me soe Gothe ie thinke puttinge e'se one thee endse ofe mye wordse ise medaevale ande deepe.



My grandmother is so Goth she uses Gothballs.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth I make flowers wilt.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth I like them better that way.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth the people in the grocery store have refused to sell me any cereal other than Count Chocula.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth people ask me to AUTOGRAPH boxes of Count Chocula.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth the smile muscles in my face have atrophied.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth the smile muscles in my face never GREW.

Goth #3: What's a smile?



Goth #1: I'm so Goth a little rain cloud follows me wherever I go and rains on me.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth I AM the rain cloud.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth I got a tattoo of celtic knotwork starting at the top of my head, winding all the way down my body, and trailing five feet behind me on the floor.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth I AM a tattoo.

Goth #3: I'm so Goth I pierced all my tattoos.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth I wonder if my dog's collar would look better on me.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth I KNOW my dog's collar looks better on me.

Goth #3: I'm so Goth I stole my dog's collar.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth, when I'm sleeping people come and check my pulse.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth I don't have a pulse.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth my eyes only see black and white.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth that if I opened my eyes the colours would kill me.

Goth #3: I'm so Goth I blinded myself so I could always see black.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth I only drink black coffee.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth I don't drink coffee, I drink goffee.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth I changed my name to Mystryss Darque Wintyr Nyght Rayn Ravyn.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth I don't have a name. I'm just "Goth."



Goth #1: I'm so Goth I got a tattoo of celtic knotwork starting at the top of my head, winding all the way down my body, and trailing five feet behind me on the floor.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth I AM a tattoo.

Goth #3: I'm so Goth my name is "Tattoo" and I was on Fantasy Island.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth I got my medulla oblongata pierced.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth I got my mom pierced.



Goth #1: I'm so Goth my mom is a ninja.

Goth #2: I'm so Goth all ninjas are my mom.